Sitting on the side of the mountain after climbing the Buddhist temple, I had slowly emerged out of another deep meditation when I realized leaves had been falling on my head. As I looked above me, there sat, ate and played a large group of black with white rimmed eyed, monkeys. Not at all concerned with me being there, they only began to move away slightly once I stood to leave and enter back into the mountain for the long stairway journey to the bottom.
During the year and a half before hand, I had been going into longer and longer periods of far away meditations lasting hours at a time, reaching beyond the body and beyond the mind. The wild monkeys in Malaysia were not afraid of me or disturbed by my presence because essentially ‘I’ was not there. My consciousness had merged with the mountain’s. Later the temple caretakers were very surprised to hear that the monkeys had come to me, saying that the black monkeys did not like humans and rarely showed themselves. After going to this temple daily for a month it was the first time I had ever seen them.
I had by this time, tuned into an unbelievably profound sense of peace, awareness of all that was going on in the world, clarity of what laid ahead, both in and out of a meditative state and an immense amount of love for everything. I often explain that during these years I had ‘left this world’ but eventually I needed to came back. My new life ahead awaited me and I was ready to face it’s new challenges but from a whole new perspective. It wasn’t always like this though…..
I was 17 when I tried to kill myself. I never told anyone I was going to do it and I never told anyone I had tried. Thankfully the Universe gave me a very failed attempt. I came from a large strict Catholic family where resources and privacy were hard to come by. Nevertheless, I tried. I swallowed a whole packet of Panadol then taking one of my father’s razor blades, I laid in the bath and attempted to cut my wrists. The draw of used razor blades my mother kept in the bathroom after shaving my dad, were old, rusty and very blunt. I came away with lots of scratches, none deep enough to have any lasting impact.
Since fairly young I had developed a violent temper, mainly stemming from years of suppression, strict upbringing and hiding my depression and extreme sensitive empath nature. By the age of 14 I had begun doing relaxing visualization meditation in bed at night, in gratitude to a gifted high school drama teacher. But from even younger I often found myself at night while lying in bed, suddenly falling into this spinning state where I felt my whole body detach from the bed and start to spin with such speed that it felt calming.
Not long after this last resort to escape my depression I decided to drag my then boyfriend along to drive me to Yoga classes. The greatest thing at that time that I took from these classes was the conscious breathing techniques I was taught that later helped me through episodes of anxiety, panic attacks and anger rages, as well as very bad nerves before riding competitions hehehe.
During the following years my depression, anxiety and anger followed me throughout the world. Later on while training in Germany, I had a back injury with ongoing pain that tortured me for 10 years and life long fears of money and security in the world, haunted my every moment day and night, worsening as I got older and faced the load of running my own business.
That peaceful state, that freedom felt, it all happened after I made my biggest life change and went to a whole new level of meditation, transforming me and my life.
What was that transformation?
Before this I saw life, myself, my thoughts and my emotions as being the chess pieces. Seemingly out of control, moved at someone else’s will and a victim of everything happening within and without me.
I then came to understand, to see and to know, that I am not the chess pieces – I am the player.
I am in control of the game as I play it with life that is an extension of myself. I am empowered to make change, and aware of the bigger picture, surrounding situations, people, events, emotions, illnesses, injuries and beliefs, choices and actions.
Depression also known as ‘Deep-rest’, is a very real and very dark thing to be ‘in’. For me I felt for years like I was sitting at the bottom of the ocean, unable to rise to the surface. I once went to a Psychiatrist during my 20’s and was handed a drug prescription and told to come back in 2 weeks. As I left there I threw the prescription in the bin and searched for the Spiritual answers just as I did when told I would never professionally ride again.
Having the will power and awareness to do this is not always present in everyone going through very hard emotional and mental times. For me I found Universal Law, Deepak Chopra, hundreds of books on consciousness, awareness, the Soul and our growth and a very simple meditation that I moved into for deeper and longer periods.
Meditation is not just about enlightenment. It’s about helping us heal and change the problems that we all face in life.
The physical is so intimately connected to the non-physical that healing one ultimately heals the other. Even if that is just healing the disconnection we have made with the non-physical.
With my life’s work being an Equestrian Dressage Trainer and Coach, I came to find that the art of riding and the horses themselves were always showing us the reflection of our physical and non-physical. They, like life itself, are a vibrational reflection of our mind, body, emotions and Soul.
Meditation helps you look into not only your Soul but the Soul of the entire Universe as you would your own body in a mirror. If you reach that place, imagine the conversations you can have….
If you are going through a time of depression, fear, anxiety or pain please know that YOU ARE LOVED. You are alive for a very specific reason that only you can live and you are always surrounded by Angels and Spirit Guides that are with you every second of your life waiting for you to reach out and ask for help.
YOU ARE LOVED, ALWAYS! Period. There is no judgment beyond the ego-self, only love, understanding, compassion and growth. Love thy self…..
Please Note – This article is published in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day, September 10th. If you or anyone you know are in a state of depression, the most important thing you can do is embrace it – don’t hide it. Depression can help you go within and look at the things that are no longer working for you in life. It can help you see what you want in life and later give you the desire to make those changes towards living it. Deep-rest means Change is necessary. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. You are needing care, love and support. Reach out for that. Receive all the help your Soul deserves! It is there waiting for you with arms outstretched. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.